2013: In The Beginning There Was FEAR

FEAR is an odd thing. An insidious thing. A formidable thing.

Before the freeze

I don't mean just fear; the thing that makes us breathe a little harder, narrow our focus, consider our actions and options, and honestly assess risk. There's nothing wrong with that type of fear. It ups the adrenaline level and allows us to fully SEE what we're about to do with clarity and purpose. It's a natural reaction from our brain and our body when we are about to do something that gives us pause or puts us in possible harms' way. It can be a life saver.

Instead, I'm talking about FEAR. The fear that leaves you paralyzed and shaking; that takes your breath away; that makes your brain completely shut down; that leaves you standing on a hillside, drenched in sweat, unable to move at all.

My Fear didn't just happen all at once. It wormed its way into my life sneakily, a bit at a time, unnoticed and unrecognized. It started with phrases like "I'm too old for this crap!", "Ehhhhh, I'm just not feeling it today.", and the ever popular "I have nothing to prove to anyone!". I stopped racing and started backing away from stuff that wouldn't have phased me even a little in the past.

Now, as I look back, I see that pattern building, my brain shutting down just a tiny bit more with each passing day and each challenge I sidestepped. 

Now. But certainly not then. Not even an inkling.

Also before the freeze

And I get it. Really, I do. A major injury on skis left me with a broken pelvis - totally non-weight-bearing for over 11 weeks; then months of PT; on crutches for my first big family ski trip to Colorado; then the mental gymnastics of being completely freaked out on skis for the next few years (and honestly, I'm still freaked by other people skiing anywhere near me, 8 years later). So, yeah, okay.

Still, there it was one day. All of a sudden. 

FEAR.

Me; frozen at the top of a hill. Completely unable to point my skis down the hill. Muscles refusing to work to hike back up the hill - a hill I'd skied several times before, and actually really liked. A totally ungroomed hill covered by luscious powder. And there I stood. Shaking. Sweating. Not breathing. Staring at the snow beneath my skis. Mouth so dry I can't swallow. Sobbing.

There's Chet, standing at the bottom of the hill, trying to coax me down. And I can't.

I.

Just.

CAN'T.

Chet skiing that hill with ease

I still have absolutely no recollection of how long I stood there, completely panicked. I only vaguely remember finally getting my skis moving, wedging and stopping and struggling all the way down. I'm pretty sure I couldn't breathe again until after I was already seated on the chairlift on our way back up again.

I just remember that feeling of total helplessness. Of complete brain shut-down. Of utter terror.

I remember those feelings so well, I'm actually tearing up and have a huge lump in my throat as I type this.

That is FEAR. Those feelings, that strong, almost 4 years later.

Thus began my Journey Into Fearless.

2016 The North Country Trail 100 Mile Challenge

#Hike100NCT

Last fall (2015), Chet and I did a bit of hiking along the Manistee River Trail and found ourselves totally enraptured with the experience and the views. I knew we lived in a beautiful area, but I had no idea just how spectacular and accessible it really was.

The MRT-NCT Suspension Bridge

The MRT-NCT Loop map

Once spring rolled around, we went back out the the MRT and attacked it in 2.5-3 mile sections. Out and back, out and back. During spring, we managed to hike all but about 1.5 miles of it in tiny bits.

Out of this, a plan started to form:  Let's do an overnight trip, packing everything in, leaving a car on the north end with the kayaks, then drop the gear in the car and kayak back to the south end on the Manistee River. We had already pretty much hiked it all in stages and knew where we could stop for the night, where water was available, and about how many miles we could do in a day.

So, the gear acquisition began.....we both needed real backpacks, and I happened upon some really nice 65 and 70 liter packs at Aldi's of all places for less than $50 each! I have no idea how long they will last or how well they will work, but they had all the features I was looking for at a price I couldn't refuse, and as long as they don't disintegrate during our very first trip, who cares???? We bought a solid-fuel stove and water pan, several bags of "add water and eat" foods, sleeping bags, sleeping pads, and a water filter. We already had a tent that weighs 6 lbs (so not awful), and other small things we'd need.

Finally, a date was set - the weekend after his birthday, assuming the weather cooperated, of course.

Alas, Chet has been dealing with back issues for several years, and ended up with a triple by-pass last year instead of the back surgery he was scheduled for. After waiting for almost a year, his latest surgery (C3-C7 laminectomy) was scheduled.....on his birthday, of course!
A month later, he finally had the surgery he was originally supposed to get (L3-L4 caged fusion), so full-on backpacking was definitely out for him for the year.

In my boredom while he recuperated, I did lots of research on trail maps and other places we could day hike and found something really cool - The North Country Trail 100 Mile Challenge!! It's a year-long opportunity to hike miles on the North Country Trail (the longest interstate trail, from New York to North Dakota), and receive a certificate and patch if you log at least 100 miles on certified NCT trails. Since large tracts of the NCT swing within 1/2-1 hour from our house, it seemed like the perfect opportunity to do some exploring.

And so, off we went!! My final tally of miles just on the NCT was 173, and I think Chet ended at 120-something. What a great experience!! We loved it so much, we're already signed up and have started on our mileage for 2017!

The NCT-Fife Lake Loop Junction

High Above the River on the US-131 CG Section

DONE!!! Finished up on E County Line Rd

 

 

It's Official!

2017 - Irritations and Frustrations

Irritations:

My original "A Journey Into Fearless" blog on Blog.com has apparently disappeared along with the whole site. At some point, I will likely rebuild those posts, but for now, I'll continue on.

Frustrations:

I'm STILL dealing with left hip pain, and have added a weakened left MCL to the mix. This forced inactivity, especially right in the middle of ski season is killing me. I WAS racing, and right on track for my usual 60 day season, but now I'm well over 5 days behind, and I'm watching my racing season slip away again. Grrrrrrrr.

 Journeys:

My Fearless plan for this year was to add telemark skiing to my list of activities. So far, that little endeavor has been a total disaster! Chet picked up a pair of K2 She's Piste skis in a 167 with Rotefella Chili bindings for $50 at the Crystal Mtn swap, then I found a pair of brand new Garmont Syner-g boots in my size for $67 on Sierra Trading Post. At least we haven't spent a ton of dollars on the latest experiment if I completely fail at it.

I ski, snowboard, snowblade, XC ski, and skate ski......I should be all set for telemark skiing, right? I mean, how hard can it be, really???? Pfffffttttttt..... 😛

It turns out.......

It's A LOT harder than I ever expected!!! Not only did I not ace it my first time, I didn't even make a run. Or take a ride on the chairlift. Or even get in the lift maze. Or, really, even get both skis on and remain standing for a full 30 seconds. Seriously. I got 1 ski on, then fumbled with the other binding. The took the first one off and got the 2nd one on. Then couldn't get the 1st one back on. Then knelt down and finally got the first one back on and tried to stand up.

Nope.

I got half-way up and one ski slid out from under me. Down I went. Tried to get up. Nope. Tried again. Still nope. Now I'm drenched in sweat and my goggles are fogging. I'm laying on the ground near the lift maze, flopping around.

Even better......a young kid comes barrelling the corner, and falls right over me. Great. He jumps up and apologizes profusely, then offers me a hand up. Repeatedly. I think he felt really bad for the old chick on the ground.

I finally give up and resist throwing the skis far, far away from me.

I WILL try this again!!! I'm not giving up yet.

Yup, that's me laying in the snow, fuming and frustrated.